7/22/08 Sojourn pt. 3 (Cans)

here we are, ladies and gentlepeoples, at the end of our journey, or the last leg at least. the goodwill on NORTH highland street in beautiful scenic jackson, TN. both of these goodwills were huge, very well lit, clean, a little on the noisy side, but just OVERFLOWING with clothes, weird books and records, housewares and various accoutrements, basically everything you could look for in a "chain" thrift store experience. in case i forget to mention it elsewhere...VERY highly recommended.



so. what do we have here. your basic weird country records, kind of par for the course anywhere south of the mason dixon line or west of the mississippi. i got (and am still getting) a heavy chuckle or two out of the fact that "gary" seems to have been kind of unceremoniously tacked onto the end of this particular traveling show. clearly horning in on jay's action a little, here, don't you think? i mean wouldn't "peter and paul...PLUS mary" have made you a little suspicious too? okay, probably for totally different reasons, but whatever.



billy blanks! only in the nineties could "kicking an imaginary person's ass under the guidance of a second-rate stuntman" have qualified as a viable exercise program. not to lessen the achievements of anyone out there who managed to lose a bunch of weight and get in imaginary-person-ass-kicking shape using mr. blanks' series of videocassettes, but come on. you basically could have done the same thing by jumping on a trampoline for an hour or two every day, and you probably would have enjoyed yourself a whole lot more, even if you didn't feel like quite such a bad ass. it certainly would have been more fun to watch.

man, maybe i'm in the wrong game here. this blogging thing isn't exactly raking in the dough (full disclosure: my mom did send me some money because i mentioned krumkake...so, in that vein, let me just say LUTEFISK GARRISON KEILLOR LEINENKUGELS), maybe i should get into the instructional fitness video market. HEY maybe i could dream up some sort of trampoline jumping/party political propaganda cross promotion thing and use it to fund my presidential campaign! for once, a candidate who can truly and honestly claim not to be in the pocket of any special interest group or political action committee, because his campaign is solely funded by his landmark, award winning series of trampoline fitness videos (and his mom) - just think of it!



oh yeah. so this store. this place was HUUUGE, just like the other goodwill, with an even bigger electronics/housewares/various junk area, and running the same "50% off green tag" weeklong rolling sale that the other goodwill was...nice to see that level of coordination. on the all, these big rural stores have some drawbacks (with such a...how can i put this...fashionistically challenged pool of donations to draw from, you run into some speed bumps trying to find decent, non-hilarious clothes) but they're a damn sight better than some of the gross, moist, vagrant-ridden urban stores i hack through on a semi-regular basis. again, in the words of john denver, thank god that i am a country boy. who can read.



okay, i'm going to play a little fast and loose with the continuity of the rest of this store, mainly because i want to end on a beautiful visual poem that i've kind of dreamed up for you, my receptive and appreciative viewing audience. just humor me. anyway this is how huge this store was, with about 40/50 more feet behind me of various books and furniture and housewares and all that jazz.



this definitely looks like a cosby sweater that i got a couple of weeks ago



so does this stuff, in addition to looking like that weird substance from the second ghostbusters movie that made people hate each other, and then the ghostbusters had to coat the statue of liberty in it, in what has to be the weirdest bukkake scene ever filmed, and then drive the damn thing through manhattan with an advantage while people sang jackie wilson songs to it...strange, how odd some things sound when you describe them in the abstract. anyway this stuff is apparently paraffin wax or something and it's good to put all over your skin but you know what so is mayonnaise and you won't see me doing that either



okay home stretch time. some beautiful cups for the store, someday



along with some frikkin' hilarious america-themed stuff (another requirement for any serious thrift store)



another appearance by my arch nemesis...as holmes had his moriarty, optimus prime had his megatron, and evel knievel had his common sense, i have doctor norman vincent peale. someday we will destroy each other. unless he's already dead. he might be. in which case i guess i have to dig up his corpse and mess with it or something. does that make me seem petty? i suppose so.



and THIS thing, which we actually bought and brought home and is currently occupying a place of honor on our bathroom wall, adjoining framed portraits of big bird, cookie monster, and kure kure takora.

okay, time for the big finish. before we get off at the last stop here i'd like to say happy birthday (again) to my beautiful wife (this whole trip was basically a birthday present for her), much thanks for the suggestion to visit jackson in the first place to mizz peggy noir and her fabulous blogtastical blogification, and a special thank you to el rodeo mexican restaurant (best quesadillas in jackson) and that weird gelato place we went to in henderson (easily the best gelato in henderson, tennessee...hands down)...all of it made for a weekend we will not soon forget. unless we try really really hard.

okay, to close, here is a visual poem i have composed, entitled "Cans." for your edification.



















Lafayette Thrift Market
226 W Lafayette St
Jackson, TN 38301
(731) 424-9438

Goodwill
1688A S Highland Ave
Jackson, TN 38301
(731) 427-4788

Goodwill
53 Carriage House Dr
Jackson, TN 38305
(731) 660-3888

www.drankbeverage.com

also thanks to chris for the original sojourn in the first place

chocolate love, all

d

7/22/08 - Sojourn pt. 2 (Iguanas For F*cking Idiots)

okay, onward we went, wagons south and so forth, towards the outskirts of what's considered officially jackson proper (i have no idea whether or not that is true), to the goodwill on south highland street. this is a huge store in a pretty high traffic location, so it was definitely like shifting into high gear after the sleepy trip down the lazy river that was the lafayette thrift market. okay, that's probably a little bit of an exaggeration, but the goodwill was a lot bigger, brighter, and noisier. but what's all this talk of iguanas, you ask?



this is. this is what it is, dammit. this. this book. this book is called "Iguanas for Dummies" and i do not even know where to begin detailing the depths of its awesomeness. a gigantic cornucopia of hilarity just blossomed in my brain the instant my eyes set upon this, perhaps the funniest book ever written, intentionally or otherwise. my head basically exploded, and actually if anything i think it's a testament to the sheer unstoppable force of the human will that i was able to make it through the day, and indeed sit here typing this in relative composure even now, using only the random bits of brain stem and stray cerebral matter that weren't completely annihilated in the explosion. i guess we really do only use about ten percent of our brains, huh?



if, god forbid, you had to narrow down your (naturally) VAST wealth of options when it comes to purchasing an iguana-related tome, to only ONE (i shudder at the mere suggestion), apparently this would have to be the one, at least according to whoever it was that they paid to say that thing so they could quote it there. as if the the average iguana enthusiast was just so overwhelmed, so swamped with iguana-centric literature options that they were fairly well crying out for one authoritative, seminal text to put all the pretenders to rest and state, with certainty, for all time, the proper methods for procuring, preserving, and proselytizing (?) all the virtues of the most noble creature on god's green earth: the iguana.



okay here's what it is, here's my deal. if you're actually deranged enough to want to purchase, adopt, or otherwise come into ownership and care of one of these hideous little evolutionary misfires in the first place, do you really need to go out and get a book to help you figure out whether or not your desire is sincere? i think if you have to hesitate, even for a millisecond, you probably don't have what it takes to own an iguana. it's kind of like being in the marines, i imagine. i hope. and again, if you need written instruction on how to "bond" with an iguana, let alone how to "integrate" it into your life, chances are you will never be able to pull said tasks off. in that sense i suppose iguana ownership is kind of like true religious devotion, or the spark of creative genius or whatever: you either have it or you don't. what a frightening thought.



this just cracked me up, too, in a way that i couldn't really put my finger on. something about all these little black kids climbing up the side of a building...this is why i love photography. here's my question, though. do you really want to modify this kind of behavior? if i happened to chance across this particular scene my first reaction would be to pull up a chair, followed by cracking a beer, loudly applauding, and probably taking some pictures of my own, in no particular order. i know adolescent mischief is kind of out of hand nowadays and we have a responsibility as adults to raise kids that are at least smart enough not to wander out into traffic on a daily basis but jesus, aren't you just a little bit jealous of these little mother lovers, deep down in your heart of hearts? i don't ever want to stop stuff like this from happening.

in my america, little kids of any race, gender, or religious persuasion will be able to climb up the side of any damn building they like, regardless of political leanings, socioeconomic backgrounds, or standardized test scores. that's right people, i am officially declaring my intention to be the next president of the united states...my campaign starts now. as much as i love barack obama (i wear a button and everything) i feel like he's not really representing the america i know and love: one that mainly revolves around thrift stores, drinking beer at 12:45 in the afternoon, and little black kids climbing up the sides of buildings in photographs. i know i am getting a late start but i feel my campaign will gather momentum quickly because of the youtube googler blogger to the myspace googler of the iphone google blogging. and technology. hey, it worked for howard dean.

NIELSEN '08: THE SAME THING, ONLY BETTER

someone get started on my bumper stickers, please



i don't remember why i took a picture of this. possible reasons include:

1. it's just great...just look at it
2. as a response to the previous picture - this is probably the most effective way to modify child and adolescent behavior
3. it's from 1983 (24 years ago, mind you) and it was still selling for like 2.99. anyone care to explain that?



so here we are again. me, and my old nemesis, dr. norman vincent peale. facing off, like two existentialist gunslingers, like yin and yang, like chocolate and peanut butter - natural enemies, in case you didn't know. but dammit how do you really get a leg up on someone who's so relentlessly positive? he's like jesus, it's f*cking impossible to get on the guy's bad side...he doesn't have one. this guy..."the power of positive thinking"..."the true joy of positive living"...what's the one i saw at the next store, "dynamic imaging: the power to change your life"...is it so wrong that i just want to choke a bitch? i'm not saying severe pessimism has the solutions to all the world's problems either or anything, it's just...sh*t like this just makes me more convinced than ever that someone has to be out there pointing out the storm cloud attached to the silver lining, just so we don't all get too worked up and just happy ourselves right off the side of a damn cliff, know what i mean?



a rare occurrence: a photo of an ass hat wearing an ass hat. cherish this moment. cherrriiisssssshhhh iiiitttttt......



and, as i've mentioned before, i know relatively little about gospel music, but isn't it all sort of supposed to be based around a kind of pleasant humility? like, that is to say, even the most talented gospel performers are sort of supposed to go out there with the presumption that they all pale in comparison to, oh, i don't know, the freaking heavenly host? actually titling your album "a song the holy angels cannot sing" just really smacks of, oh, i don't know...pride? vanity? are those things sins? they should be, if they're not.



this was really the only kind of intense and cool thing that i saw, and i didn't even end up buying it. five record set, with all sorts of historical speeches and interviews and whatever with your basic huge figures of the early twentieth century. a detail shot:



i mean you kind of can't really buy a set of vinyl lps that contain the voices of winston churchill, adolph hitler, and josef stalin, along with lou gehrig's farewell speech and the hindenburg disaster. if nothing else the next time you want to drop some acid and lay on the floor all night with a pair of headphones on...HAVE I GOT THE RECORD SET FOR YOU!!!!!!111111 or if you really wanted to bum people out at a party..."Oh, the humanity!"



man i miss the nineties.