Goodwill Bonanza pt 2/3

thunder. Thunder. THUNDERCA-oh crap. wrong rallying cry. forgot where i was.



try this one on for size. GOO! as in, "the next 'GOO'dwill store i hit up on my three store bonanza in one day, several months ago." we'll just say "GOO!" for shorthandsies. it's easier.



sweet little ceramic mamacita for like three or four bucks if memory serves, totally made me want to snap on my bandolero and play some flamenco guitar like the guy in those old antonio banderas talk show sketches from saturday night live who would stand in the back and scream "SENOR PLEASE NO ISA TOO SEXY" every time chris kattan would threaten to take off his shirt, even though no one has ever said that in real life when chris kattan threatens to take off his shirt, which he probably does all the time. i loathe chris kattan, although not nearly as much as i loathe andy dick who, to his credit, wrote a fucking delightfully nasty little song about chris kattan that he performed on the howard stern show a million years ago and still persists in my head to this day. the part i remember went:

chris kattan
chris kattan
you horrible little troll of a man

i still sing that to myself every time i see a movie poster for "monkeybone," which is surprisingly often.

what the hell was i talking about? oh, right, little mexican woman statue. pardon me, y'all. it's late.

BITTER/BOOKS AFTER DARK



this made me laugh hysterically. i love the off brands that make cheaper versions of the regular products that are already popular (jansport backpacks, in this instance) and their entire marketing strategy is that people won't be paying close enough attention to notice that the brand name is SLIGHTLY different, they'll just focus on the fact that it costs half as much and not notice that it's made by 9 year olds in korea (as opposed to jansport which is made by 12 year olds in bangladesh, much better).

(the preceding statements are retarded, deliberately inflammatory comments made by the author and are not indicative of the beliefs, attitudes, or opinions of any employee or authorized agent of bitter/books, LLC, any of its parent companies, or subsidiaries. for the record, though, we do love to rape goats.)



a french puzzle shaped like an italian food, made by a company named after an african antelope? what the hell, did the United Nations just take a shit in my brain?



i wish real bowling pins laughed at you and cracked jokes as you knocked them down. even though none of the things that these pins are saying on the side of the box technically qualify as "jokes." apparently the quip-masters behind this particular piece of electronic entertainment didn't quite grasp the concept. if i built this game the pins would say things like:

"a skeleton runs into a bar, and says 'give me a beer, and a mop.' a mop."

"a man is standing in line at the train station behind a priest. the priest walks up to the ticket window and tries to ask for two tickets to pittsburgh, but he stumbles on his words and asks the lady for 'two pickets to tittsburgh' instead. eventually the misunderstanding is resolved and the priest takes his tickets and sits down on a nearby bench, very very embarrased at his freudian slip. after the man purchases his tickets he walks over and sits down next to the priest, and in an attempt to comfort him says 'don't worry about it, father, people misspeak all the time. why, just the other day i was sitting at the breakfast table with my wife and i needed some salt from the other side of the table. i meant to ask her to pass the salt but instead i said 'i hate you you horrible bitch, you ruined my life.''"

or my personal favorite:

"why is a mouse when it spins?"



this is a rare occasion when i'm damn near flummoxed. this picture almost nearly speaks for itself. it's an animatronic rapping o.g. santa. complete with holiday bling, and all. bear in mind, this picture was taken in fucking AUGUST. i want to say someone actually pressed the button when i was within earshot just to see what song it was, but thankfully that memory's passed me by in the intervening months, so i couldn't say. thank god for small miracles.



i bought (sort of) these SWEET polarized aviators which i've been wearing ever since. they kind of make me look like my dad, but the older i get the more i realize that there are worse things in the world. my dad actually looks pretty damn pimping most of the time. except when he decided to start wearing uggs. i love you pops but that was, is, and always will be a mistake.



i also bought these boot shoe things which were MY SIZE FOR A CHANGE and SO money i couldn't resist. i haven't had a LOT of occasions to wear them yet, but a good pair of shoes is a good pair of shoes and i firmly believe in buying things that you grow into. not to get too soapboxy here but i really feel like that's one of the coolest things about shopping at thrift stores, is the opportunity to be confronted by something (whether it be an article of clothing, or an album, or a piece of art, or a fucking kitchen appliance or something) that really challenges you and forces you to step outside of your comfort zone. i know i might sound like i'm dressing up the emperor here but it's the god's honest truth, in my personal experience anyway - you find things you didn't think you were going to find, and they make you think about things you didn't think you were going to have to think about. it's as simple as that. i bought these shoes because i loved them (and because they were hells cheap) and i'll find occasions to wear them and if you had asked me to envision a pair of shoes that i wanted i wouldn't have picked these but i saw them and they were great and i knew they were what i wanted. does that make any sense? i hope not.



one of the really cool things this particular goodwill (on stage road out in bartlett, fast becoming the hotspot for the thrifting experience in memphis tn, much to my disdain) is all the framed stuff they have. it's priced accordingly, don't get me wrong, but it's mostly one of a kind shit, like this weird bar scene framed photograph thing. here's a closeup.



this is an amazing amazing image, and it was framed pretty well, and having spent a fair amount of time on all sides of the bar myself (in front of, behind, underneath, and on top of) i could really relate. i was sorely tempted to get it but i didn't, for a lot of reasons. it was nice to see it though, and i'm sure it's blowing up someone's wall right now somewhere, and i feel pretty good about that.



this one was a damn heartbreaker though. i've loved marilyn monroe for a long long time, and specifically the lesser-seen images of her, and this is a great one, and it was HUGE and it was really framed well, and it was fifty bucks, and i just didn't have fifty bucks. as much as i love marilyn and the immense weight that her relatively brief life carried in the popular culture of our country, the way her legacy plays itself out in every tawdry fucked in the head reality show contestant desperately yearning for self redemption and self transformation and self purification through the constant unblinking eye of fame and recognition, she wouldn't have paid fifty bucks for this picture and so neither did i.

that's all i got for this one, sweets. be back soon with another varietal probe for your parietal lobe. in the meantime...

love

d

ps

almost forgot. "the higher, the fewer." that's why a mouse is when it spins. in case you were curious.

8/19/08 - Goodwill Stage Rd, Goodwill Austin Peay

hello again! welcome back to bitter/books, your one-stop source for everything disused, neglected, and otherwise AWESOME in memphis, tennessee. this week we bagged summer ave once again (i guess that is kind of over, i don't know...maybe not. maybe i'll finish up with some massive, like seven-store run in one day or something. i'll keep you posted) and hucklebucked it up to bartlett to two of our favorite goodwills, on stage rd and austin peay highway. it wasn't the most legendary trip, but far from a bust. laughs were had, lives were changed, board games were bought. i share it with you now in the spirit of brotherhood and friendship.

oh incidentally i just found out that austin peay is pronounced "austin pee" and the word meme is actually pronounced "meem," much to my chagrin. oh well. life goes on. AVANTI!



the usual suspects at the goodwill on stage road - they always have at least one or two pieces of hilarious furniture, along with your usual assortment of dismissible crap. OH MAN there was this huge greasy tweaker who wandered by a few times while the wife and i were checking out furniture and appliances and whatnot...man this dude was gross. smelled like a god damned barnyard. i was about to make some comment about the south but let's be real people, there's just as much of a chance of running into a world class freak like that in massachusetts as there is down here. no lie. what can i say about this guy? he was like a big overly tattooed baby, all way too fatty and with an overly roundish head and face and just stubbly and gross. something about just the visual image of this guy in my eyes made me feel like a gigantic dog was just slowly licking up the whole side of my body, while i shuddered in deep, profound, revulsion. does that make any sense? i hope not.



beautiful pattern on this couch, anyway



there was a strong, notable latino influence at this particular goodwill on this day. and by "strong influence" i mean there was a bunch of mexican crap and all kind of loud mexican kids running around and yelling in their strange talk and some truly, remarkably unattractive women cruising around. not to imply (or directly state in this instance i suppose) that mexican women are unattractive (although i guess that's basically what i'm saying here), it's just...look, i lived in texas for three years and spent a HELL of a lot of time in thrift stores, if anyone's qualified to speak on this subject i think i am. mexican women do not age well, by and large. some of them are gorgeous, some of them make me want to just fall down and die on the floor they're so beautiful, but by the time they hit 30 and have maybe had a kid or two, very very bad things are starting to happen. this is just an observation, based on the experience of a man who has spent a lot of time in a place. that's all. anyway the same principle applies to most of the white and black and asian and et cetera et cetera other kinds of people you see in thrift stores. these are people who are not exactly riding high on the proverbial hog of life, and it shows. hey, i'm there too, so what does that say about me?



share my frustration with me for a moment. i don't know if it's because i forgot to eat before we struck out for the hinterlands to go to these goodwills, or because we made a wrong turn and had to drive an extra like 40 FUCKING MINUTES just to get there, but i was having some trouble finding purchase on the rocky slopes of mt. goodwill, at first anyway. this is a picture of my anguish. i don't want to sound ungrateful or unhappy, because i genuinely enjoy this little project, which is good, since it's not like i'm receiving any financial compensation for my efforts or anything. but there are only so many pairs of khaki pants that you can look at in one lifetime before you have to start staving off the urge to eat a pile of death and take the proverbial dirtnap. WILL PEOPLE STOP WEARING THESE STUPID GOD DAMN PANTS FOR THE LOVE OF ALLAH/YAHWEH/BUDDHA/KRISHNA/CTHULHU. i went through a khaki phase myself, i know they're kind of cool and can even look good and be useful in certain circumstances but jesus okay if nothing else can we at least suspend production of any new pairs of khakis until the retardedly enormous backlog of them that has accumulated in every thrift store ever anywhere has at least started to show signs of diminishing? kthnx



speaking of enormous masses of clothes, i happened to glimpse over the back dividing wall thing of the store (avid readers will remember this is one of the godawful huge, airplane hangar sized stores that just drops a pegboard wall down to separate the front of the house from the back of the house - classy) and saw just literally a mountain of clothes, donations one would assume, all packed together into tight little bundles, presumably for sorting and dispersal at appropriate times. it struck a chord, deep down somewhere, in a way i still can't put my finger on...brought to mind auschwitz (if that's not ridiculous), or the tombs of pharaohs, or ozymandias, by shelley. something about that much life, that many worn items, that much residual psychic energy, all just bundled up into these huge blocks and stacked neatly in a gigantic hangar...i'm not kidding, i almost wept.

MORPHEUS I AM READY FOR THE RED PILL NOW

there were about three more of these rows, btw



this was the epitome of the stuff i love finding in thrift stores - kind of delightfully ugly, cheap and weird, and of no conceivable purpose that i could discern. topped, one might also observe, with the finest velcro, because, of course it is! why not? what the hell is this thing? ten bucks worth of awesome i guess



we called these things "mexican wedding shirts" for the longest time, until our stupid guero asses did a little research and found out they're "guayabera" shirts, named for their most prominent manufacturer, one would assume. everyone's seen these things, somewhere or other, everyone recognizes how pimp they are, well news flash people. they're in like every other thrift store i go to. the future is now dammit! get out there and get them! i think this should become the new "horn rimmed glasses on chicks" for the postcollegiate indie crowd. my vote, anyway.



this is kind of a terrible picture, but just to show the continuing influence of our friends and neighbors south of the border



THE ROOF!

THE ROOF!

THE ROOF IS ON FIRE!

WE DON'T NEED NO WATER LET THE MOTHER F*CKER BURN!

BURN MOTHER F*CKER BURN!

also, all life is suffering, the source of suffering is attachment and desire, and the cessation of attachment is attainable through the noble eightfold path.



MEXICO



the belgians put in a strong showing as well



"art"



i also basically have nothing to say about this. this picture is really just for my mom.



so, again, not the most life-changing trip to the goodwill on stage rd that i've ever had, but it was marginally entertaining at least. we decided to shove off and try our luck at the goodwill on austin peay, which is but a scant few minutes away. say what you like about goodwill, and i'm not saying they're my favorite stores or anything, but the fact that they're open until 8 pm (!) during the week sort of puts them one step ahead of the competition, almost by default.



so just when you think you've seen it all...this was a first. full size massage table. didn't see a price on it but who cares? IT WAS A GOD DAMNED MASSAGE TABLE. one of those times when you have genuine cause to lament your own "mid to late twenties, shifting gears, still trying to establish yourself in the world"ed ness mainly because you don't have a large spacious home in which to put this damn thing. of course, it would need a solid week's worth of bombardment with bleach, febreze, and barkeeper's friend before i would even CONSIDER stripping down and laying myself out on it, but still. massage table. i'm sayin





cup stacking



big moment here for us, as this completes our collection. we now officially have every genus of trivial pursuit, one through five. we are monumental nerds, of course, but come on. deep down i know you respect that shit. we have the 20th anniversary edition too, although we threw away the board and the idiotic "card shoe" thing and just kept the pieces and the cards. we'd branch out and get the nineties edition too, but seeing as my dear beloved wife was homeschooled without cable television for a good chunk of said decade, it's near-impossible for her to play. anyway you're all more than welcome to drop by, step up to the plate and take a crack at the guy who is (arrogantly, unbelievably, officially, foolishly) declaring himself the best trivial pursuit player in the memphis metro region. yeah that's right i said that



don't we all



sometimes i really do love living in the south. this is bean art. these are two bean roosters that someone made and put in a frame. out of beans, you say?



yes, out of beans. beany bean beans. framed pictures of roosters, out of beans. oh, how do i love thee. let me count the ways

1. you are framed pictures of roosters, made out of beans

the end



tacking this on at the end, just because i happened to notice it on the way out and couldn't decide if it was amazing, or kind of dumb, if it was worth the two bucks or not, if i would put it on my desk or mantel (if i had one) or if it was kind of too stupid and embarrassing to show strangers...the jury's still out, to me, but anyway. i will just show it to you all and let you draw your own conclusions

and speaking of conclusions, that's gonna do it for this week. i feel as if i should say something else here but i cannot think of what.

there is a fortune from a chinese restaurant fortune cookie taped to my monitor right now. it says "the respect and help of influential people will soon be yours." oprah?

toodles

d

3/18/2008 - Goodwill Stage Rd

it was with some mild relief that we reached the final store on my itinerary for the day. this goodwill (which i swear to god is in bartlett even though googmaps is telling me it's in memphis - is bartlett really just a glorified neighborhood? that would be funny) is HUGUNGOUS (aka ginormous) and i felt pretty confident taylor would leave with a table, i'd get some great pictures and we'd call it a day. have i mentioned our general level of wrongness about this stuff yet?



this place is really funny and weird and worth a day's inspection on its own, being the only thrift store i've ever seen with an honest to goodness "Human Resources Department" (with its own little separate office and everything - so cute!) and a picture of Herman J. Goodwill or whatever the hell the guy's name is who started the whole thing. looks like a nice chappie.



anyway for sheer square footage this has got to take the cake, biggest thrift store i've ever been in, ever, but whereas the salvo's from earlier on in this trip was all available to wander around in and get lost in thrifty goodness, this goodwill had roughly the area of a good-sized airplane hangar blocked off with the trademark particle board walls and swinging door, all devoted to processing their donations. they had a HUGE donation drop off center outside, so it's understandable, but still...mister goodwill, tear down this wall! reagan smash!



that is what it looked like. it sounded like...well, if you can figure out how to stick your head inside a dishwasher while it's running, do that. then you will know what it sounded like.



SO huge though, SO much cool sh*t just everywhere, like the half-trumpeting elephant bookend and of course the requisite wolf picture, AUGMENTED in coolness by its proximity to the framed, embroidered fish thing





although i have to pause in my elation for just a second and air a pet peeve/private beef thing i've always had with this fucking thing. no one, that's i've ever known, has enjoyed receiving one of these things. in real life, zen gardens are a byproduct of a legitimate spiritual, psychological, philosophical endeavor by some of the most dedicated people on the planet earth to pierce the veil of illusion that causes most of us so much suffering and illuminate the world, so that we might all be free. but in stupid dollar store f*ck around la la land, it's a way for bored executives to waste a few minutes every day while they wait for an email back about their next golf vacation. forgive me if this seems like a little bit of a sudden detour into bitter town (i have a summer home there) but i imagine you christians, you muslims, you whatever you are, have had that moment where you see something you love and take seriously completely trivialized and made into another stupid useless commodity clogging up our collective consciousness, and maybe you feel the same way. maybe. otherwise i am just a complete lunatic. i'm not saying that ironic gifts don't have their place, and maybe this all seems kind of dour and humorless, but don't you have to draw a line somewhere, and isn't it just as arbitrary for everyone else who does it? i don't know.



on a slightly less hysterical note, this really cracked me up. these pretty nice bamboo mats were around $5 a piece i think, which by itself is more or less unremarkable, but for the fact that they had OVER TWENTY price stickers on them - fourteen i think visible in this picture, and then like maybe ten more on the other side. i stared at this for a good five minutes trying to make sense of it...did some angry clerks just use the pricing gun to vent their frustration one day? just beating the shit out of these poor bamboo mats with the little sticker gun, hitting "$4.99" just over and over again until they were pulled off by concerned coworkers...i never really did get my head around it. three or four stickers, okay, that's kind of standard procedure to keep jackasses like me from pulling them off and substituting another, cheaper sticker (ANOTHER PRACTICE I DO NOT AND HAVE NEVER ADVOCATED PEOPLE), but twenty? especially on something that costs five dollars

okay wrapping it up you've got silly david lee roth record, check





TONS of books although by this point i was kind of too wiped out to really look through them all, i did see this however



three solid shelves of serialized romance novels, notable for their organization and the fact that they're so wonderfully undisturbed by anyone, you know, BUYING them. the next time someone asks me "why don't you want to sell romance novels in your book store?" (which actually happens a lot) i'm just going to show them this picture. and then silently, slowly shake my head. and then walk away into the sunset. with my dog. my dog will be named montavius.



i DID snag these AMAZING pictures though, $6 a piece, really well framed and without any cosmetic damage at all, just a miracle find and a perfect example of how you can never stop looking around, even at (what you foolishly think is) the end of a long day's thrifting. i was actually giggling with delight as i carried these bad boys up to the front.

total spending:
two pictures , plus tax: $13.09

plus prior $28.54 equals

$41.63 all told. not a bad day, considering all the random stuff i brought home and the number of stores i visited.

Goodwill
6899 Stage Rd
Memphis, TN 38133
(901) 507-3284

hours:
m-sat 9-8
sun 12-6

music:
there might have been a little radio playing somewhere, but really the ambient volume of the room and all the forklifts (not an exaggeration, there were multiple forklifts) just drowned everything out. insane.



before we leave this goodwill i just want to pause and point out a book that i see available everywhere, by an author i really like. i have a few copies of both of her books that i've seen, so i can't really justify buying any more for the store, but if you see this or her other book "the lovely bones" do yourself a favor and pick it up. tough subject matter, but really well written and rewarding, i thought anyway. just a recommendation.

so. there we were. my day's work was done but surprise surprise, the goodwill had let us down. no kitchen table. what now? we had some decisions to make. read on.

d