7/22/08 Sojourn pt. 3 (Cans)

here we are, ladies and gentlepeoples, at the end of our journey, or the last leg at least. the goodwill on NORTH highland street in beautiful scenic jackson, TN. both of these goodwills were huge, very well lit, clean, a little on the noisy side, but just OVERFLOWING with clothes, weird books and records, housewares and various accoutrements, basically everything you could look for in a "chain" thrift store experience. in case i forget to mention it elsewhere...VERY highly recommended.



so. what do we have here. your basic weird country records, kind of par for the course anywhere south of the mason dixon line or west of the mississippi. i got (and am still getting) a heavy chuckle or two out of the fact that "gary" seems to have been kind of unceremoniously tacked onto the end of this particular traveling show. clearly horning in on jay's action a little, here, don't you think? i mean wouldn't "peter and paul...PLUS mary" have made you a little suspicious too? okay, probably for totally different reasons, but whatever.



billy blanks! only in the nineties could "kicking an imaginary person's ass under the guidance of a second-rate stuntman" have qualified as a viable exercise program. not to lessen the achievements of anyone out there who managed to lose a bunch of weight and get in imaginary-person-ass-kicking shape using mr. blanks' series of videocassettes, but come on. you basically could have done the same thing by jumping on a trampoline for an hour or two every day, and you probably would have enjoyed yourself a whole lot more, even if you didn't feel like quite such a bad ass. it certainly would have been more fun to watch.

man, maybe i'm in the wrong game here. this blogging thing isn't exactly raking in the dough (full disclosure: my mom did send me some money because i mentioned krumkake...so, in that vein, let me just say LUTEFISK GARRISON KEILLOR LEINENKUGELS), maybe i should get into the instructional fitness video market. HEY maybe i could dream up some sort of trampoline jumping/party political propaganda cross promotion thing and use it to fund my presidential campaign! for once, a candidate who can truly and honestly claim not to be in the pocket of any special interest group or political action committee, because his campaign is solely funded by his landmark, award winning series of trampoline fitness videos (and his mom) - just think of it!



oh yeah. so this store. this place was HUUUGE, just like the other goodwill, with an even bigger electronics/housewares/various junk area, and running the same "50% off green tag" weeklong rolling sale that the other goodwill was...nice to see that level of coordination. on the all, these big rural stores have some drawbacks (with such a...how can i put this...fashionistically challenged pool of donations to draw from, you run into some speed bumps trying to find decent, non-hilarious clothes) but they're a damn sight better than some of the gross, moist, vagrant-ridden urban stores i hack through on a semi-regular basis. again, in the words of john denver, thank god that i am a country boy. who can read.



okay, i'm going to play a little fast and loose with the continuity of the rest of this store, mainly because i want to end on a beautiful visual poem that i've kind of dreamed up for you, my receptive and appreciative viewing audience. just humor me. anyway this is how huge this store was, with about 40/50 more feet behind me of various books and furniture and housewares and all that jazz.



this definitely looks like a cosby sweater that i got a couple of weeks ago



so does this stuff, in addition to looking like that weird substance from the second ghostbusters movie that made people hate each other, and then the ghostbusters had to coat the statue of liberty in it, in what has to be the weirdest bukkake scene ever filmed, and then drive the damn thing through manhattan with an advantage while people sang jackie wilson songs to it...strange, how odd some things sound when you describe them in the abstract. anyway this stuff is apparently paraffin wax or something and it's good to put all over your skin but you know what so is mayonnaise and you won't see me doing that either



okay home stretch time. some beautiful cups for the store, someday



along with some frikkin' hilarious america-themed stuff (another requirement for any serious thrift store)



another appearance by my arch nemesis...as holmes had his moriarty, optimus prime had his megatron, and evel knievel had his common sense, i have doctor norman vincent peale. someday we will destroy each other. unless he's already dead. he might be. in which case i guess i have to dig up his corpse and mess with it or something. does that make me seem petty? i suppose so.



and THIS thing, which we actually bought and brought home and is currently occupying a place of honor on our bathroom wall, adjoining framed portraits of big bird, cookie monster, and kure kure takora.

okay, time for the big finish. before we get off at the last stop here i'd like to say happy birthday (again) to my beautiful wife (this whole trip was basically a birthday present for her), much thanks for the suggestion to visit jackson in the first place to mizz peggy noir and her fabulous blogtastical blogification, and a special thank you to el rodeo mexican restaurant (best quesadillas in jackson) and that weird gelato place we went to in henderson (easily the best gelato in henderson, tennessee...hands down)...all of it made for a weekend we will not soon forget. unless we try really really hard.

okay, to close, here is a visual poem i have composed, entitled "Cans." for your edification.



















Lafayette Thrift Market
226 W Lafayette St
Jackson, TN 38301
(731) 424-9438

Goodwill
1688A S Highland Ave
Jackson, TN 38301
(731) 427-4788

Goodwill
53 Carriage House Dr
Jackson, TN 38305
(731) 660-3888

www.drankbeverage.com

also thanks to chris for the original sojourn in the first place

chocolate love, all

d

7/22/08 - Sojourn pt. 2 (Iguanas For F*cking Idiots)

okay, onward we went, wagons south and so forth, towards the outskirts of what's considered officially jackson proper (i have no idea whether or not that is true), to the goodwill on south highland street. this is a huge store in a pretty high traffic location, so it was definitely like shifting into high gear after the sleepy trip down the lazy river that was the lafayette thrift market. okay, that's probably a little bit of an exaggeration, but the goodwill was a lot bigger, brighter, and noisier. but what's all this talk of iguanas, you ask?



this is. this is what it is, dammit. this. this book. this book is called "Iguanas for Dummies" and i do not even know where to begin detailing the depths of its awesomeness. a gigantic cornucopia of hilarity just blossomed in my brain the instant my eyes set upon this, perhaps the funniest book ever written, intentionally or otherwise. my head basically exploded, and actually if anything i think it's a testament to the sheer unstoppable force of the human will that i was able to make it through the day, and indeed sit here typing this in relative composure even now, using only the random bits of brain stem and stray cerebral matter that weren't completely annihilated in the explosion. i guess we really do only use about ten percent of our brains, huh?



if, god forbid, you had to narrow down your (naturally) VAST wealth of options when it comes to purchasing an iguana-related tome, to only ONE (i shudder at the mere suggestion), apparently this would have to be the one, at least according to whoever it was that they paid to say that thing so they could quote it there. as if the the average iguana enthusiast was just so overwhelmed, so swamped with iguana-centric literature options that they were fairly well crying out for one authoritative, seminal text to put all the pretenders to rest and state, with certainty, for all time, the proper methods for procuring, preserving, and proselytizing (?) all the virtues of the most noble creature on god's green earth: the iguana.



okay here's what it is, here's my deal. if you're actually deranged enough to want to purchase, adopt, or otherwise come into ownership and care of one of these hideous little evolutionary misfires in the first place, do you really need to go out and get a book to help you figure out whether or not your desire is sincere? i think if you have to hesitate, even for a millisecond, you probably don't have what it takes to own an iguana. it's kind of like being in the marines, i imagine. i hope. and again, if you need written instruction on how to "bond" with an iguana, let alone how to "integrate" it into your life, chances are you will never be able to pull said tasks off. in that sense i suppose iguana ownership is kind of like true religious devotion, or the spark of creative genius or whatever: you either have it or you don't. what a frightening thought.



this just cracked me up, too, in a way that i couldn't really put my finger on. something about all these little black kids climbing up the side of a building...this is why i love photography. here's my question, though. do you really want to modify this kind of behavior? if i happened to chance across this particular scene my first reaction would be to pull up a chair, followed by cracking a beer, loudly applauding, and probably taking some pictures of my own, in no particular order. i know adolescent mischief is kind of out of hand nowadays and we have a responsibility as adults to raise kids that are at least smart enough not to wander out into traffic on a daily basis but jesus, aren't you just a little bit jealous of these little mother lovers, deep down in your heart of hearts? i don't ever want to stop stuff like this from happening.

in my america, little kids of any race, gender, or religious persuasion will be able to climb up the side of any damn building they like, regardless of political leanings, socioeconomic backgrounds, or standardized test scores. that's right people, i am officially declaring my intention to be the next president of the united states...my campaign starts now. as much as i love barack obama (i wear a button and everything) i feel like he's not really representing the america i know and love: one that mainly revolves around thrift stores, drinking beer at 12:45 in the afternoon, and little black kids climbing up the sides of buildings in photographs. i know i am getting a late start but i feel my campaign will gather momentum quickly because of the youtube googler blogger to the myspace googler of the iphone google blogging. and technology. hey, it worked for howard dean.

NIELSEN '08: THE SAME THING, ONLY BETTER

someone get started on my bumper stickers, please



i don't remember why i took a picture of this. possible reasons include:

1. it's just great...just look at it
2. as a response to the previous picture - this is probably the most effective way to modify child and adolescent behavior
3. it's from 1983 (24 years ago, mind you) and it was still selling for like 2.99. anyone care to explain that?



so here we are again. me, and my old nemesis, dr. norman vincent peale. facing off, like two existentialist gunslingers, like yin and yang, like chocolate and peanut butter - natural enemies, in case you didn't know. but dammit how do you really get a leg up on someone who's so relentlessly positive? he's like jesus, it's f*cking impossible to get on the guy's bad side...he doesn't have one. this guy..."the power of positive thinking"..."the true joy of positive living"...what's the one i saw at the next store, "dynamic imaging: the power to change your life"...is it so wrong that i just want to choke a bitch? i'm not saying severe pessimism has the solutions to all the world's problems either or anything, it's just...sh*t like this just makes me more convinced than ever that someone has to be out there pointing out the storm cloud attached to the silver lining, just so we don't all get too worked up and just happy ourselves right off the side of a damn cliff, know what i mean?



a rare occurrence: a photo of an ass hat wearing an ass hat. cherish this moment. cherrriiisssssshhhh iiiitttttt......



and, as i've mentioned before, i know relatively little about gospel music, but isn't it all sort of supposed to be based around a kind of pleasant humility? like, that is to say, even the most talented gospel performers are sort of supposed to go out there with the presumption that they all pale in comparison to, oh, i don't know, the freaking heavenly host? actually titling your album "a song the holy angels cannot sing" just really smacks of, oh, i don't know...pride? vanity? are those things sins? they should be, if they're not.



this was really the only kind of intense and cool thing that i saw, and i didn't even end up buying it. five record set, with all sorts of historical speeches and interviews and whatever with your basic huge figures of the early twentieth century. a detail shot:



i mean you kind of can't really buy a set of vinyl lps that contain the voices of winston churchill, adolph hitler, and josef stalin, along with lou gehrig's farewell speech and the hindenburg disaster. if nothing else the next time you want to drop some acid and lay on the floor all night with a pair of headphones on...HAVE I GOT THE RECORD SET FOR YOU!!!!!!111111 or if you really wanted to bum people out at a party..."Oh, the humanity!"



man i miss the nineties.

7/22/08 - Sojourn Into Destiny, pt. 1 (The Battle of Jackson)

hi all - so this week, on the recommendation of a reader (and fellow blogging sensation) we decided to pack up and take a trip down the back roads to beautiful scenic jackson tennessee and sample some of the local wares. 'twere a perilous venture, fraught with danger, excitement and intrigue 'round every corner...okay not really. it was a fun day trip where we hit up a few surprisingly cool thrift stores, had a blast tooling around the mid-east tennessee back roads, took some fun pictures and ate some delicious mexican food.

so begins our sojourn into destiny.

the first sign that we were on a trip of truly majestic proportions was given to us shortly outside of the city limits, on highway 70, the disused former main thoroughfare from the pre-interstate days, which is how we chose to get from memphis to jackson. i always like to take the back roads like this if i can, partly to check out the old motels and gas stations that have inexplicably survived since the 50's, partly because there are less cars on the road, partly just because i was raised to always find the longest, most inconvenient way to get from point a to point b...thanks, mom and dad! but of course if i had taken the interstate i never would have seen this...this...well i just don't know what to call it.



i had to pull over. i had to stop the car and pull over and just cackle like a god damned deranged crazy madman for just a minute. before turning around and driving back and getting this picture, you understand. had to work quickly though because we had the windows rolled down and i think the sound of our high pitched maniacal caterwauling was upsetting the employees, who could clearly hear us convulsing and chortling our way into miniature epileptic seizures as we snapped this picture and sped off, howling the whole way. i could go on, at length, i assure you, but this isn't bitter/anuses, after all, so let's make with the thrift already, shall we?



exterior, lafayette thrift store, located right outside of historic downtown jackson tennessee, a thrilling getaway destination for man, woman, and child alike. before i get into it i should say that if any of my fellow memphians are looking for a fun way to kill a spare morning and afternoon or whatever, and aren't averse to taking it in the pooper (METAPHORICALLY COME ON PEOPLE) in re: gas prices, you could do a lot worse than getting in the car and exploring some of the surrounding country in between memphis and any neighboring semi-major city. the drive out from memphis to jackson was just breathtaking. i've always been a sucker for a nice long country drive, and although two plus hours is pushing it just a little, there was really no shortage of neat stuff to look at on the way there. i definitely plan on making some other trips out into the boonies, since this one went so well - does it shock you to learn that i'm a country boy at heart? does it excite your emotions? maybe sicken you a little? no?



jesus, what was i talking about. OH YEAH thrift stores. MAN they had so much stuff at this place. it was a weird mishmash of absolute showstopping GEMS like this strawberry shortcake pitcher and glass set (10pc i think) for something like eight or ten bucks and then a bunch of sort of newish furniture/furnishings/pottery barn kind of crap that i just think has no place at a real thrift store. on the all and all i got a pretty good feeling from this place, and if nothing else it's a cool reminder of how independent thrift stores don't really have to follow the "rules" that larger chains (your salvos, goodwills and the like) sort of adhere to...always a breath of fresh air to visit a place like this, even if you do have to sort through a few rooms worth of boring crap to get to the real finds...that's how it's supposed to be, right?



like this BEAUTIFUL colander, no more than three or four bucks i think, proving once again that "aesthetically appealing" and "sturdy and functional" do not have to be mutually exclusive terms. there was actually no end to the amount of cool kitchen stuff available for perusal and purchase, even if you're not a complete nerd for vintage appliances like i am, i think it would appeal to anyone. of course if you ARE...



MANUAL. COFFEE. GRINDER. i almost peed a little. power outage? nuclear bomb? zombie apocalypse? who cares. you can still have fresh ground coffee, whenever you want, with this bad boy. i couldn't convince myself to actually buy it and take it home but damned if i'm not second guessing that, looking at it again. i mean come on people this is how benjamin motherfucking franklin took his coffee and if that's not good enough for you then i just don't know if you love freedom. think about it.



as long as we're on the 1776 tip, can't you just picture the founding fathers all slamming shots of rye out of these bad boys after they signed off on the god damned declaration of independence? just knockin' em back, america style.



if i had any declarations to sign (or, you know, friends) i would have snapped these bad boys up in a heartbeat. alas, they remain on the shelf, just waiting for the right group of aspiring patriots to press them into service. if anyone happens to grab them and needs a sixth signature on your declaration, manifesto...the back of a cereal box, i'll sign anything, really...just drop me a line and i'll be glad to play the herbie hancock to your funky john adams.

WOW does that ever sound gross. moving on



i am guilty of a little artistic manipulation in this photograph, shooting from below so as to make this enormous percolating coffee pot seem even bigger than it really is, but take my word for it when i say that it is just huge as hell in real life even without the photo trickery. at $20 i can't really recommend that anyone rush right out and get it, since percolator coffee is kind of gross and sort of outdated at this point, but i offer this picture both as an example of the dope vintage furnishings that they had at the lafayette thrift emporium extravaganza place and also as a preview of the kind of sweet objay dart that we'll be showcasing at bittersweet books and coffee, LLC (full disclosure: i do not actually know what an LLC is. we will probably not be one. or maybe we will. i guess i should find that out.) for your amusement and general laughing at pleasure. the first thing wifely mcwifealot and i did when we saw this thing was turn to each other and say, in unison, "iced tea." like i said percolating coffee is basically like the catalytic converter of the beverage world at this point but this is more or less the dopest tea urn of all time and we will be back to buy it very shortly, i can promise you. anyway



a lot of the stuff at the lafayette thrift store seemed to tread the line between ACTUALLY vintage (huge turn on) and new, made to look like vintage (HUUUGE turn off), and in instances like this little lighter/ashtray set i was forced to defer to context and reason that A) no one makes any sort of product designed to encourage or glamorize smoking any more...thanks, federal government! and B) if this was new it would have had "PIER ONE" or "TARGET" or some such nonsense stamped on the bottom, which it did not. so therefore logically i can conclude that this is the most awesome thing ever produced in human existence. it's almost enough to make me take up smoking again. hey, i started in the first place for even dumber reasons (was 18, could buy them legally) so why not? oh, right. cancer.



speaking of glorifying unhealthy activities, i'm still kind of in a daze as to why exactly i didn't buy this unbelievably beautiful and perfect set of shotglass checkers, the perfect companion piece to the above ashtray/lighter set. i guess because if you played a full game of this with actual liquor in these glasses you would die. this has got to be a team game, or maybe you're supposed to use wine coolers or something, i don't know. regardless. well worth the 20 bucks for the privilege of looking vaguely like an intellectual (board game) whilst getting royally souced.

that wraps stop number one (of three) of our voyage into the nether regions of rural east tennessee. i think i'll chop these bad boys up into bite-sized increments for your easier digestion, dear readers, so check back in postey hastey for the next installment of our...

SOJOURN INTO DESTINY

god bless america