Salvation Army Austin Peay

we ventured out on a bucolic, picturesque afternoon not too long ago to a favorite destination, the salvation army (is it bad that i always type it "slavation army" at first?) on austin peay highway. we rolled three deep that day:

spousal unit, myself, and dearest friend michael from back in the day, who was in town for a week of debauchery and friendship. odd, how often those two things seem to go hand in hand. i digress.

the selection was fairly well bangin', as usual, and i picked up a few sweet finds, like this t-shirt from the bellevue student ministry, which i saw and immediately realized i could tweak just slightly with the judicious application of some white out, to suit my philosophical outlook somewhat better. so this shirt you see pictured above, with one deft stroke of liquid paper, was transformed from




which as i said suits me much better. i also like how for whatever reason, everything colored white in the above photograph decided to glow fucking super brightly, lending the whole thing an added air of holiness. i'm sure it's some complicated photography thing that i would understand better... IF ONLY I HAD FINISHED ART SCHOOL! [sob]

i love globes. especially outdated ones like this. every time i pass one i'm tempted to do the old "spin the globe and point your finger and that's where you're going to go next!" thing which in this case took me almost exactly onto the border area between iran, afghanistan, and pakistan, which, you know, thanks and all, but i think i'll pass. i took a breeze through the "PLAN YOUR NEXT VACATION TO BEAUTIFUL SCENIC ZAHEDAN (FORMERLY DOZZ-AAP)" brochure and i think i'll take waikiki instead, if it's all the same. k?

all of this, every last part of it, confuses me. is there a lot of competition to be the "#1 Celebrity DVD News Magazine?" what exactly IS that, even? does the fact that it's "Unauthorized!" really entice anyone to buy it? again, what does that even mean? the only thing i can get behind is that brad pitt is certainly a hunk of something. what that is exactly i think is still open to a fair amount of debate. he kind of looks like a hunk of mushed up modeling clay that someone put in the oven and then took out too soon, before it was done baking, in that main picture on the front.

"Hollywood's Hottest Hunk of Mushed Up Modeling Clay That Someone Put In the Oven and Then Took Out Too Soon, Before It Was Done Baking: Brad Pitt"

now THAT i'd watch, unauthorized or not.

i love these things! the colors! so primary! someone told me these were for hospitals and i guess i can see that, but i was real tempted to grab them and use them for funs instead. they're so modular! plus it encourages you to eat more balanced meals because you have to come up with something to put in the other spots on the tray, once you've slapped your large sizzling piece of meat down in the biggest section. of course you could always just put little green plastic army men in the other spots on the tray, and pretend that the large piece of meat in the other section is a giant invading steak monster from the planet cafeteria, and your little plastic battalion is the only thing standing in between it and civilization.

life's too short not to play with your food people

there were several huge stacks of pristine 45s. almost half of them were this exact record. there had to be 30 or 40 copies. i've never (to my knowledge) heard this song but it must REALLY REALLY SUCK so if anyone tries to play it for you, you have my permission to tell them to go ahead and take a big old flying fuck at themselves

speaking of f-words and such, i managed to find one of the "steamy" passages in what is surely the finest example of erotic fiction ever created - "Lingering Shadows." how shadows exactly manage to linger, i don't think they ever get around to addressing, but there is sure a whole buttload of sexin' going on, including what for my money is maybe the funniest verbal description of foreplay ever written:

"He trembled violently against her, his thumb rubbing fiercely against her nipple..."

is that how grownups do it? they have seizures and try to rip each other's nipples off with their thumbs? i'd hate for some clueless teenager to get his hands on this book and take it as some kind of how to manual on how to perform the sex act. and a note to any impressionable young (or old) women out there, from men the world round: please don't murmur softly against our mouths while we're trying to grope you. we find it distracting, and a little confusing, and it may cause us to tremble violently and potentially injure your nipples with our thumbs. thanks.

a perfectly good martini glass, ruined. decorate your own dishes with ugly glazes and a shitty brush, all in the comfort of your own home! this does not say "cocktail olive on a toothpick" to me nearly as much as it says "oh shit, there's something floating in my drink... oh god, what is that? is that a gangrenous eyeball floating in front of fish poop? no more appletinis for me!" which is probably not the reaction whoever created this piece of thing was going for, if i had to guess.

we are comedic geniUSes, but alas, i noticed upon further inspection that the humor in this picture may be slightly difficult to make out, considering it's a tiny, low resolution image, taken on an extremely poor quality digital camera by a woefully underqualified photographer, in a mirror, no less. thankfully there was another record on hand to rectify that situation. here it is.

boners. you see? you get it? boners! because... yeah. anyway.

i know this is funny for some reason, but i just can't figure out why. aaargh!

i love badminton. that is all.

and last, but not least... what do these two things have in common?

they both gave me an erection.




ashley la rouge said...

Green. Still not a primary color.

Sham On.

dave said...

i got red and yellow. close enough.

Kerry said...

Many parts of this made me laugh. Well done.

Del Strange said...

Say what you will about Christians, no other religion even comes close in terms of t-shirt sales. Suck on that, Vishnu.

Yesterday, in the parking lot of Hobby Lobby, I saw a girl wearing a t-shirt that read 'Let Jesus Love the Hell Out of You!'

I didn't quite laugh out loud but I came awfully damn close.

dave said...

hahahaha, you win the "come up with a new subtitle for the blog" contest that i didn't even know i was having until i read that. well done.