CLOT FURN HOU... i mean... amvets presley blvd

sorry, the picture threw me off. back at the amvets on presley blvd. hilarity ensues.

this is all this shirt said. if it hadn't been such a butt ugly font and a shoddy iron on decal, i might have picked it up. it has a zen master, whack on the head with a bamboo stick quality to it that i can really get behind.

this, i cannot get behind, cute though it is. who would actually cook on this thing (notice the previous owner did not)? it just doesn't look like something real food should go on, or come off of. i keep picturing like those little fake plastic breakfast sausage patty things they give you with hasbro's "my first play oven!" or something. actually that's kind of making me hungry. is that weird?

what the hell, people. if you need a BOX and INSTRUCTIONS on how to play fucking CHARADES, just give it up. pack it in, you fail at life. i'm not arguing the point that it's not a "well-known party game," in fact i guess that's kind of my central thesis here - it's probably the MOST well known party game, EVER. you act out a word or phrase and people guess what it is. there. i just saved you the trouble of opening the box. who bought this? was it part of some competition to be named "the dullest family ever?" i mean i like charades, actually a lot more than most people do, i just... instructions? really?

this was amazing. this is a damn hair dryer that comes in its own suitcase. it should come with a bumper sticker too that just says "I AM VERY IMPORTANT" so people driving behind you in traffic can tell too. saves you the trouble of pulling out the hair dryer all the time. if i bought this (not that it occurred to me to buy it, even for a moment) i would stamp VERY IMPORTANT PERSON'S HAIR DRYER on the side, just so everyone was clear on that point.

hehehey, if it isn't the buttmaster! i actually see these damn things all the time, i don't know why i just now started finding them photo-worthy. did the word "butt" just suddenly become funny like last month or something? i always got the impression it was kind of an old saw. what do i know

everything about this makes me laugh. why... just, why? why a silly little lacquered wooden bar for your lipstick to begin with? and was it necessary to somehow signify that it came from Atlanta, GA? are they known for their lipstick? or their tiny pieces of carved wood? or their lacquer? so classy. this is just the epitome of class.

one of my favorite things about this store has always been the "snack area" right up front by the changing rooms. it baffles me, somewhat. there's a completely arbitrary smattering of vending machines and a couple old arcade games just kind of thrown over next to the front counter, like people are going to come in there and hang out or something. there's an old-ass Play-Choice 10 machine, one of the ones that came with 10 8-bit nintendo games on it, which i love, but unfortunately the joystick's broken, so i never play it. it's a delightful soundtrack to the shopping experience though, little snippets of the soundtracks to super mario brothers 3 and baseball stars while you browse the pantsuits. periodically they'll switch out one silly old vending machine for another. this adorably small coke machine was new. it's mini!

this confuses and frightens me somewhat. i googled "tom hess" and the first thing i got was this

which is pretty awesome, but i don't think it's the same guy. maybe it is! i'd be interested in reading his book a lot more if it was. maybe he shreds that hard because he loves jesus or he's trying to shred the jews back to israel or something. that would be pretty amazing. as it stands i guess this is his thing here although i didn't read much about it - i do like the fact that the name kind of sounds like IHOP. the "wheel of cities" is pretty fun and wacky too.

as long as we're on the topic, here's "party picnic jesus' guide to outdoor entertaining." this kind of looks like he's watching approvingly as these youngsters get ready to get it on underneath the ol' tree next to the lake! jesus nooo!!! "desire of ages," eh? i guess "he taught love" in the most direct, immediate fashion possible, eh? "that's it... compliment her eyes, they love that shit... awww, yeah."

i don't know why i found this so amusing. horseshoe crab: the book. finally, after all these years, the story can be told. i fully, honestly expected to open up this book and just find page after page of the same illustration... "the horseshoe crab sits on its ass at the bottom of a large body of water." "the horseshoe crab moves slightly to the left, then continues sitting on its ass at the bottom of a large body of water." i guess it was some sort of children's educational book. i don't know. i find horseshoe crabs to be fundamentally horrifying, visually, and would just assume see them boiling in a pot (edible? i don't know) or flung back out into outer space (where they clearly belong) than traipsing around on the same planet as me, taking up space at the bottom of large bodies of water that could be used for perfectly good dirt and whatnot.

god love billy idol. workin' that pout for all it's worth. this isn't even the album that has any of his memorable (generously speaking) songs on it, but he's just up there poutin' away, without a care. according to a bit of barely substantiated internet lore, james cameron actually wanted him to play the t-1000 character (robert patrick's) in terminator 2, but some sort of nasty motorcycle accident prevented him from doing so. try as i might, i really cannot picture t2 as a functional film with this scowling poncy dickweed as the technological superbeast from the future. i see a malnourished british man with a shitty dye job and i do not think "unstoppable killing machine," i just think... i don't know... take some vitamins, motherfucker. drink some oj. brush your teeth. calm down.

holy shit. literally. take a look. sister motherfucking cantaloupe.

snagged this rather snazzy decorative life preserver thing, which i was all set to buy before i even noticed that it came from...

galvatraz, baby! my former place of residence! gtown night riders represent! VERY cool.

that's about all i got. roll credits.

ps here are some gratuitous videos of insane guitar shredding



Anonymous said...

i think that if you read the back of 'let my people go' over the tom hess guitar shredding in your best charleton heston voice, it will be a youtube sensation the likes of which we have not seen since benny lava.

Del said...

I'll wager the 'lipstick bar' was made of cedar. You can find knick knacks like that in souvenir shops from Reelfoot Lake to the Great Smoky Mountains. More often than not, they'll have the name of whatever town or tourist destination you're visiting printed on them in that same script. For that matter, you'll find it on shells and such in Florida. I don't know who makes that junk but they're awful fond of that font.

It occurred to me that perhaps there was an actual bar in Atlanta named Lipstick Bar but I couldn't find anything to that effect. Maybe I'm missing something because of the way the photo is cropped but if it is for lipstick, exactly what purpose is it supposed to serve?

dave said...

yeah the picture doesn't really tell the whole story... there were like five cylindrical holes in the top of the "bar," presumably to put you lipstick in. it was, i imagine anyway, some sort of display/holder thing for the fine lady of the household's five favorite shades, to commemorate a trip to atlanta. or something.

Del said...

In other words, you've employed photo trickery to deceive your adoring public into believing this fully functional, commemorative Atlantan lipstick organizer is no more than a useless albeit terribly classy piece of wood.

For shame, Dave. For shame.

w00tpro said...

So THAT's where you got the choir boy stuff that I still need to give back!